Vigilante Week

Now onto something serious. . .

I am trying to refine this idea which took hold in my mind when I first moved back to New York from California. I was appalled at the level of noise and commotion here in the City- most of it unnecessary, and most of it the result of impulses from out of towners safely ensconced in their automobiles. Nary a day goes by when I don't hear a sting of sustained honking outside my window that serves no other purpose than to release frustration. And noble as that may be, the effect on those of us who make our homes here is deleterious at best - maddening at worst.

Now it's not just the out of towners who get to play "tough guy" when they're in the big city in their shiny, big cars. You and I both know that, besides the city trash collectors and ambulances, the primary culprits are the cabbies. Now I generally defer to them when it comes to decisions about how to drive. After all, they must survive on the streets, and due to the sheer volume of time they spend there, the numbers creep up against them in terms of safety. Fair enough.

But the real offenses from cabbies come at night, when the streets are empty and their risk of incident is almost non-existent. The solicitous honk, every time they see a pedestrian is what gets me the most. What is this, Los Angeles? Do they think that people who are walking are always in need of a ride? Ridiculous. I don't have a problem with the night hacks whoring themselves out any way they can- it is, after all, a tough shift. But there are ways to do this without waking up the neighborhood with staccato interruptions throughout the night. Simply slowing down next to a would be John is enough to discern a response. The honking really must stop.


Legislation, as it so often does, has failed to do the trick. And when government fails the people, there is only one choice remaining. It is time for the people to take the law into their own hands.

My answer to this has become tempered over the years. Originally the idea was to permit citizens to carry a handful of rocks around in their pockets. When a vehicle passing by committed some offense in the eye of the pedestrian, they could let hurl a rock and cause a miniscule, but still painful amount of damage to the passing vehicle.

Yes, there would be collateral damage. Some of the elderly may not have the best aim (or the best hearing). People would certainly abuse the privilege as so many vigilante groups have done in the past. And then there is always the possibility, however remote, for violent retribution from the coked up yuppie in the Suburban.

But in general, I think it is worth the cost. A cracked windshield or a dented body is a significant pinch in the old wallet, though seldom a fatal one. But it would be enough to ensure that drivers think twice before laying on the horn. It might even serve to reduce the number of drivers willing to expose their vehicles to ricochets or "friendly fire" misdirects, and this would be a great boon to the city.

No laws would need to be passed, only the deliberate ignoring of the current ones in certain situations by the powers that be. This could be the City's response to Albany's killing of the congestion pricing scheme which was intended to reduce traffic (and therefore noise) in Manhattan.

So I mentioned that I had tempered my approach to this, didn't I? What's so tempered about this approach, you might say. Within weeks, the city would turn into a carnival of rock hurling and windshield cracking with the streets littered with spent rounds and debris, getting kicked up by car tires and sent hurling back towards pedestrians where real injury could occur.

Yes that's true. So I looked back in my mind to see how other cultures dealt with the issues of social unrest caused by the disparity between the haves (in our case, drivers) and the have-nots (pedestrians).

The best example was the classic Roman festival of Saturnalia where, for one week, all social roles were reversed. The aristocrats were treated as slaves and the slaves as aristocrats. Everything was upside down for the prescribed period, and when it was over, hostilities duly vented, things returned to a peaceable norm.

So you can see where this is going. One week, that's it. It could even be in August when most folks are away. For one week, we, the people, would let the drivers know - with force - how we feel about them polluting our city with unnecessary noise. For one week.

This would be enough to cow drivers for the rest of the year, as it would effectively "train" them to be aware of the damage they are doing to our quality of life. Some might act up and honk a little extra during the intervening 51 weeks, but somewhere their conscience would speak and they would live in the constant fear of comeuppance during the fateful week when they just *have* to drive into the city for their neighbor's daughter's gallery opening.

The psychological terror is enough to make the plan effective.

I leave it to the communities to decide what is best, but the government has clearly failed us in providing relative peace and quiet in an already overstressed environment. It is up to the people to take it from here.